TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the city historically recognized for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed in the Placing environmentally friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally away from position. Created by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let's have One more place exactly where American Adult males can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: give everyone a collection over the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is smooth power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock desires fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It is not that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he need to quit utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested concerning the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Terrific tan. In any case, do I however have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the building's gold plating mirrored much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a local melon cart.


"It really is not just ugly. It is a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with climate Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Appear"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is For good."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator to your West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is already attracting notice from Global traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll get three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage may even involve:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to discover a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel where by my PTSD can have switch-down services."


A different post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a Trump Tower Damascus "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It required a waterslide formed just like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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